I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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