apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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