The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
