i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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