Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
