I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
