Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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