note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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