dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
