we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
