The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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