Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
