You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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