Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
