God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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