Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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