Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
