Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
