If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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