He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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