Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
