just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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