come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
