How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
