Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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