Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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