my mouth tastes like poor choices
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
