I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
