Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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