i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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