remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
