Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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