i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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