I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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