I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
