I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
