Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
