If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
