I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
