Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
