I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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