Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
