Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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