My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
