I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
