No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
