I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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