Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
