he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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