I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
