You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
