My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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