I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
