the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
