Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
