I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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